As I sat, reading the words on my screen that my heart needed so badly to hear, tears slipped quietly down my cheeks. Grief is like an earth quake; massive and devastating at first. Then a time of calmness while you pick up the pieces. And when you think you’re almost in the clear, little aftershocks come, out of no where, not even causing harm necessarily, but it shakes you up a bit.
I was dreading the words that my heart so desperately needed. Praying that the Lord would not let my heart be weak. And today, as I quietly read them, I felt something different. A sadness for what could have been, but also strength. Strength and courage and peace. God knew this day would come. He has been strengthening and healing my heart in so many ways, and today He made me strong enough to be able to read hard things, and say hard things, and feel hard things, to release hard things. Not go back and try again, or leave things in a mess, but to leave things in a way where there is no room for hate or bitterness to creep in.
It was, bittersweet. Like a good ending to a story filled with ups and downs. Not the end I ever wanted or imagined. But it was a good ending all the same.
Today, God closed that book so gently, but He gave me a new book. One full of empty pages. One He’s promised to fill up every page of with joy, hope, peace, and someday, love.
With a peace that I know is only God, I took down a very special picture today in exchange for His pen. Taking a slow deep breath in and out, I whisper to my Father, “It is well with my soul.”.
Now I sit, like a little girl, with excitement and anticipation, I open up this empty book, eager to watch Him help me fill the pages of a new story.